How to Plan a Life-Changing Wedding Without Losing Your Mind
So you're engaged! Congratulations! And now you're dreading the daunting, potentially tedious task of planning a wedding. And honestly, this is a process that can often test the patience and resilience of a couple.
There is a seemingly endless stream of articles on the internet on how to plan a wedding, from where to start to making checklists, so I wanted to write a post on how to plan the most memorable wedding without losing sight of what's actually important: your relationship and your future marriage.
Start, Middle, and End with Communication
The most important part of this entire process is communication. Often, we expect things of our partner that they don't want to do, don't like to do, or straight up can't do. Clarifying these expectations in the context of the planning process is critical.
The first place to start is to really understand how involved each person wants to be in the process. Does your significant other care to contribute? Or does he think the most loving thing to do is actually let you handle all the logistics? And if you think that's not loving, have a conversation about it. We all come with our own ideas and plans for our future wedding, and it can be hard to see eye-to-eye if we don't ask.
Fortunately for me, Michia and I decided that we wanted the wedding to be pretty 50/50, with each person contributing their ideas and executing on what we think is important.
Once you figure out how involved you'll each be, figure out how to leverage each person's strengths to naturally get the best out of each other.
Michia and I are on opposite ends of the detail-oriented spectrum. He is a Myers-Briggs N (intuitive), and I am a Myers-Briggs S (sensing). He's a visionary, and I'm an executor. So while I care deeply whether the napkins will be blush, coral, rose, or rouge, he just wants to know that we'll have napkins. And if he needs to choose between the various shades, he'll go crazy (his words).
While I already knew this about us, we clarified this early in our planning: he was going to say that we needed napkins, but if I cared about the shade of pink, I was going to have to make that decision on my own.
And finally, remember to communicate throughout the process. Check in. How is it going? If one person wants to talk about wedding planning 24/7 and the other person just wants a date with no wedding talk, find a way to make sure both sides feel heard, seen, and understood. Maybe go on that date with the sole rule of not talking about the wedding. Remember that planning is a marathon, not a sprint.
Set Your Vision and Purpose
Why are you getting married? Why is it important to have a wedding? Is it important to have a wedding? Starting with these questions centers the discussion and helps focus you when the venue falls through, or the guests you most wanted to be there can't make it, or the photographer you wanted is booked on your date.
It also helps you set your priorities from the beginning. How do you want your wedding to feel? What do you want your guests to most remember? What can you deprioritize because it doesn't contribute to that vision?
When we started out, we knew we wanted:
A castle wedding
For our faith to be the focal point of the day
For our guests to feel how special they are to us, and how much we value and love them
To incorporate cultural elements, including a Chinese Tea Ceremony, for the aunties flying in from around the world
We really wanted a wedding that celebrated our relationship in all its uniqueness.
We also quickly decided that we'd rather have a small, intimate wedding, where we could spend more money per guest, rather than a large wedding, where our budget would be stretched thin on more guests. One idea Michia tossed around early on was having helicopter rides for our guests, which of course, was too expensive, but that sentiment of making each guest feel special and valued, was really important to us.
Michia found this Reddit post when we were just starting out, and the spreadsheet came in super handy. I loved that the first page of the Google Sheet is exactly this: planning the vision and purpose for your wedding.
Know Your Budget and Focus It
Every post on wedding includes some comment about budget, and this one is no different. Weddings are expensive (there's a whole industry around it!), and it's important to not spend so much on your wedding that you start your marriage off rocky.
Money is the number one reason for divorce, so don't let the numbers run away from you before you've even started.
Set your broad budget and commit
Align on a general budget early and do your best to stick to it. Assess your finances and figure out what you can actually afford. Are you looking to buy a house or a car after you get married? Will your parents be contributing or purchasing something for you? What about your honeymoon? How much will that cost?
You don't need to set your budget as specific as $34,830... but you should collectively decide on whether the final budget starts with a 3 or a 7, and how many 0's will follow. And once you decide on that, set your heart on this. We see a lot of couples who have different expectations of budget, and even after setting a, say, $50k budget, one hopes for a $150k outcome, which only leads to disappointment.
Once you have your budget, do an honest assessment of how to line up your wedding vision with that budget. For example, you may have to be realistic about where you can have your wedding. We knew that even if the Bay Area had a castle that would fit our vision, there was no way we could have our wedding here and not blow our bank accounts. It would easily have been a $150-$200k wedding, which we had for a fraction of the cost because we had it Hungary.
Align on trade-off priorities
Limits set on how much to spend, it's important to decide what you will, and perhaps more importantly, will not spend your money on.
We knew that we wanted to focus our money on the experiences we wanted our guests to have, because this is what they would remember — how we made them feel. We decided early on that we would be willing to cut a full bar (3 cocktail per guest would be enough), an expensive dress (a more affordable one would be just fine), and the fanciest catering menu (our guests could do with 3 courses instead of 5).
What we didn't want to skimp on were things like the venue (how else would we get the vibe we wanted?), amazing photographers or videographers (to forever capture these beautiful moments), or a string quartet (for the ultimate feeling of royalty).
These were not the only things we either gave up or kept, of course, but you get the idea.
Be flexible
A lot can happen in the time between starting wedding planning and the actual wedding, and these things may impact your budget. Maybe you get a bonus at work that you want to put toward your wedding. Or maybe your partner loses their job and now you can't afford what you originally planned. And of course, as you get further in the process, new expenses may pop up that you didn't discuss in granular detail.
With all things, be flexible. Remember that your goal is to have a great marriage, not just to have a great wedding. Do your best to stick to the budget, but life happens, and it's better to roll with the punches than to stand there and get hit.
Have Fun While Planning and Take Breaks From Planning
Although planning can be tedious at times (there are, after all, only a few hundred decisions that have to be made), it's also like throwing a giant party for your closest friends to celebrate an incredible relationship that God has given you. If you keep this in mind, you'll be sure to have fun.
Also, schedule in breaks from wedding planning. Go on dates and talk about anything and everything except wedding planning. Make space for your relationship and friendship, remembering that this is why you're doing all of this to begin with.
Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help
If you know that you and your partner don't have the time or energy to plan everything on your own, hire a professional. We found our wedding planner to be one of the best investments we've ever made, and she more than paid for herself in the time and headaches she saved us.
If you can't afford a wedding planner, ask for help from friends who love doing this kind of thing, or who have done it before and don't mind helping you. Whether it's a day of coordinator, or a decorations committee, a group of close friends providing emotional and physical support reminds us of the joys of bringing these people together to celebrate your love.
Remember that these people are your friends and not to be taken for granted. Be sure to thank these people when it's all over! They are investing a lot to help you, and a token of gratitude goes a long way.
Enjoy the Day
When the day comes, you've done your best to plan everything, but the day is going to go how the day is going to go. If you get hung up on any detail that's not perfect, you might miss the amazing, celebratory day for the one thing that went "wrong."
When people ask me how our wedding was, my first answer is usually, "It was the most fun day of my life. No one ever told me that it was going to be so much fun." I remember very few moments all day when I wasn't grinning ear to ear, seeing people I love dance, meet each other, or sob tears of joy. The day I got to say, "I do," to my best friend, and vow to spend the rest of my life loving him for everything he will ever be worth.
So there was no AC in the castle and it was 80 degrees outside and everyone was sweating and fanning themselves throughout our ceremony. So I didn't get a popping champagne photo when getting ready with all my bridesmaids and moms. So we didn't get much golden hour when shooting in the late afternoon because we were too busy eating dinner and talking with our friends. That's not at all what I or anyone else remembers. That's not what was important.
You've spent the money, the time, and the emotion to get to your wedding day. Enjoy it.
